I discover that I continue to be uninteresting

I have no insight, no topics, nothing to share.
I learned today what a shoot out is. I thought it was something to do with shooting, but actually, it's when you sit in a gym for hours on end and watch children from different age groups make 25 attempts at the free throw. I can look at this experience in two ways: 1. The fact that I spent half of my day engaged (not really, but how engaging is a shoot out, so engaged relative to a shoot out) in such a salt of the earth activity is a milestone on my journey to normalcy, or 2. This is what my life has come to. I think I can hear the John Cougar song in the background. Should I trade in the Kia for a Chevy? Start drinking Keystone?
Can you hear he inner scream when I realized that I was going to write: Start wearing 3/4 length stretch pants and over-sized t shirts in public? when I realized that at the shoot out I was, in fact,  wearing 3/4 length stretch pants and an over-sized shirt? In my defense by the time I got back from the gym it was time to leave, and I said screw it, rather than resist. To all outward appearances, it was as if I had recieved the flier on the dress code for the event anyway.
The other thing i learned today is what that huge triangle shaped brown building overlooking the river is. It is the Elk's Lodge. I know this because I hauled ass there after the shootout for the free burger lunch. I ate two (no bun of course). As Elk's Lodges go, I must say that I was quite impressed. It was very cutting edge in a 1970's ornate some of the foam was visible through the tears in the cushions kinda way. But there's no way to make the afternoon seem edgy.
Not that it matters.

This book I'm reading

is called "Just Kids" by Patti Smith. Did you know she was deeply involved in love with Robert Maplethorpe? It is so beautifully written, complex and simple juxtaposed against each other. The union of style and subject is breathtaking. The prose is one long poem.
Right now, which is of course long ago, they are living at the Chelsea hotel in a period of extended magic. I have seen the Chelsea from the outside, getting a ride from my Dad after spending the weekend with him in New Jersey, back to my apartment in Manhattan. As we drove through Chelsea, I knew where we were but didn't-my father was born with the ability to negotiate the streets of Manhattan via car while I was only able to travel with confidence on foot-I told my father that this was the neighborhood I hoped to move into. Because it is lovely and calm and exciting and perfect, graceful and restrained. I had nothing but confidence that it was in my future, so comfortable did I feel in my murky plans of wanting to.

Now, though I have no direct desire to live in Chelsea, I feel that exact same thing. Complete confidence in my murky plans of wanting to. It is impossible for me to articulate what it is I actually want or if my future happiness depends on my application and commitment to action or in the systematic reduction of desire. Yet I sit reading in my basement bedroom in Lewiston, Idaho, a place two years ago I did not know existed without a feeling of contentment but with complete confidence in my murky desires.

Stress

I know what stress is, kinda. I know, or what I think I know, is it is your body's response to a situation you can't get away from that you would like to get away from. So your body has a flight or fight response and releases all kinds of chemicals so you can save your own life. The problem is, in modern day, or at least for humans and I think that probably for a long time, you can't save your own life from the things that bring you down. Much of the time, they are things that you sought out, or things that you need to save or maintain the life you want or think you want. The physiological response that is stress actually slowly kills you. In the meantime it makes you feel like utter crap and makes you not look cute.
Since I got back from the East Coast, I have felt like complete crap, have really struggled to get through a day, and do not look cute at all. I have been unhappy and miserable. I have been waking up tired, looking forward to going to bed and feeling like I could drop dead by like 9:30 in the morning. I have coped by making daily lists of things I must get done, exercising as much as I could muster, and putting one foot in front of the other. But I have felt completely overwhelmed.
A colleague and friend suggested to me today that it was stress that was doing it to me, and I kinds think she is right.
Today at least, I felt better. I felt great today, had a great day. Why all of the sudden this change took place I do not know. I don't think it's that the situation has changed, because it has not changed at all. Is it that my attitude has changed? I don't know that it has, as the things that I want to get away from but can't are still most loudly and definitely in my life. Is it my coping techniques that have paid off? Basically what I did was "act as if" and forced myself into a structure that would get me through on a day to day basis. I wish I knew why this sudden change in how I feel occurred. Feeling good is so much better than feeling like you're dying.

In other news, last night we found a kitten in a tree that seemed to be stuck up there. It was crying. We decided to leave it and if it was still there today, we would help it to get down, which I did. I gave it a can of tuna, and went inside. Five minutes later, i come out, and it is on the garage roof, crying again. I pull up a chair and it will let me pet it but I just couldn't quite get a hold of it. I don't really like ladders very much, so I decided to just leave it there for a while and see what happened. A little while later, I hear a muffled crash outside, and figured the crazy kitty had jumped off the garage. I go outside to see, and it had jumped from the garage (detached garage, by the way) to the roof of the house. I could not even engage in the situation, decided to just let it play itself out. Well, the next time I go outside the cat is on the hood of the car, and a few minutes later again, back on the roof of the garage. Clearly this cat has a whole lot going for it. The garage is attached to the cantina, which pleases me because perhaps this kitty will run off the squirrels.
I think it will, cause I love it and it loves me.
I believe it's name is AC (Airborne Cat).

Go Packers

I just read Allison's blog. She is sick, poor thing, but every day ends with "Today I am thankful for..." Like today it is Nyquil for her. It is good stuff, I am also grateful for it, though I am not using it currently.

I am glad the Packers won, but what  am I thankful for today? I am actually irritated right now by the volume and behavior in the house at the moment, and frustrated because the kids basically DO NOT LISTEN TO ME AT ALL. The oldest living here, that is completely true. If he complies it is a completely random event that occurred in sync with my command/request.
So I am thankful for....Today I watched that newest Jersey Shore online. I love it completely. I am from New Jersey, it is an accurate portrayal of guidos, but I will not say Italians. To be a guido is an affectation, not a ethnic thing. I am also thankful or my job, which I do adore. i am thankful that it is sunny out, though I did nothing outside. It was all do some cleaning, do some work, watch football game, now it's 4:30 and I have not had the outside experience for more than a few minutes. Unusual for me. Gonna be a whole week like that, a very busy week ahead.
I am thankful for reading, without which I would surely die. The printed word is how I cope. I just started reading Just Kids by Patti Smith. Talk about lovely writing.
Wish i could produce something decent myself but I am crabby crabby crabby. This would lead to something funny, but I am trying not to be negative since I read Allison's blog and was reminded of what a Debbie Downer I am. A mojo sucker, a spiritual parsite.
Hope I can find a sitter for the superbowl.

I have learned something (almost)

I never know if husbands are just very happy to point out when you made a mistake, or if they are really looking out for you. I tend to do a lot of things that could be defined as mistakes. I think it is a good thing that I am all about trying new things, doing things in a new way, just for the purposes of learning. You try to do something totally new or try to do something differently, and you learn stuff.
It's not such a good thing that I tend to jump into these new experiences rather impulsively with little thought of how my actions and reactions may be perceived by others. But how do I know how I want to be perceived when I am continually trying to figure out who I am? I have no idea. I can assure you though, that I for sure DO NOT WANT TO GET IN TROUBLE.
My husband supports that goal.  Therefore...
I do not think Sara Palin is a criminal! I fear that by the way I used her name in yesterday's entry that a reader could think that was my opinion. I think she's A ok, I like it that she wears glasses, it's super cool that she is outdoorsy, and I am strongly biased toward women who seek power. I do not think it is offensive to say that she carefully crafts her public image, just like the squirrels do. That's what politicians do. I do not see anything wrong with this. I actually prefer politicians to squirrels. 
But my husband said I should not be political, which I totally did not mean to be. I thought about going back and editing the entry, because I DO NOT WANT TO GET IN TROUBLE, but decided against it as it is a teachable moment. In addition to learning about the habits of a writer in order to support our students, we are also learning about this relatively new thing. We for sure did not have this when I was in school. As we figure out how to use it for ourselves, we figure out ways we can apply it to the classroom.
So is it in some ways limiting for a writer to blog? Could be. You have to choose your language carefully, but you can still say the same things. Could I have gotten my point across with the same vigor if I didn't write the Palin thing? Absolutely. Could I have gotten it across better? Very possibly. Here, as always, is the importance of awareness of audience in writing, something I learned a bit more about the past couple of days.

For the record, and for all of you that thought I was exaggerating about the squirrels, I wasn't. I am absolutely certain of the presence of the squirrel mafia, a vast and evil underground of vermin who are hiding in plain sight, ready to take over the world.
They are wearing us down slowly, being cute in parks, pretending to be skittish as we lure them to grab nuts from our hands. We nod our heads in subtle irritation as they invade our birdfeders. Many of us have even coated pine cones in peanut butter for them or invested our hard earned ducats in squirrel feeding devices. How foolish we humans are.
For the emperor has no clothes. He doesn't need your silly nut, doesn't rely on your inspid bird feeders because he can enter your home at will. He's got you where he wants you-right in the palm of his feces crusted paw and he's posing to take over.
Think of some of the most famous criminals, the ones that come to mind. Charles Manson was in fact appealing to many and had his followers. David Koresh was seen as a prophet by many. Even Hitler himself had a multitude of faithful admirers. Sarah Palin got a reality show for God's sake, costarring for one ill fated episode with 8 very cute, precocious, well known little cuties. Ask yourself, did these people present themselves in their true light in order to meet their ends? Would any of you out there even consider feeding a rat? Would you look on in interest or scream with disgust and terror as it climbed up to your bird feeder?
Take that same rat, give it enough conspiratorial capacity to live in the trees instead of the sewer, to hop instead of scurry, and cover that repulsive tail with some appealing fuzz. What do you have then?
I'm just sayin'.

What writer's face

I hate squirrels. I have always hated squirrels because the get the big salad of the animal kingdom, they get credit they don't deserve. They are rodents. They move into your attic, if they are so inclined. They steal bird food, and anything else they can get. I don't know for sure but I bet they carry ticks and lyme's disease and lots of other plagues. They are vermin. They are rats with fuzzy tails.
It aggravates me even more that people feed them, because they are not little Disney characters, they are a foul plague to all forms of life. I had a neighbor who fed a squirrel, and he busted into her apartment when she left the door open, demanding food and making himself completely at home. He would not leave her alone after that. She would walk to the laundry room and he would block her path, staring at her menacingly. I would have to throw rocks at him.
There's one who lives near my house, he's huge and gnarly and red. You could tell that in his day, he was probably the muscle for some squirrel kingpin, cuz he's so beat up looking. He once stole a pack of Camel Lights from the table in the cantina. He still runs across the roof, and I yell and hiss at him. He'll just lean over the roof and look down at me like,"Lady are you kidding me?"
Not only are they aggressive, self righteous, thieving foul vermin, they are murderers. The squirrel gang terrorizes our neighborhood by eating the fiberglass around people's headlights and then eating the wires so people's headlights don't work. So far, the only cost to society has been a few tickets and expensive car repairs. I think it's just a matter of time before they start experimenting with putting holes in people's brake lines in their cars.
I hope it's not too late.

When I was mentally preparing to post today, I realized that one of the gambles of writing a blog is "What is no one thinks I'm interesting?" What if you find out that I really don't have a lot going on? Eventually I am going to have to move to emotional topics. Well, what to you think of the squirrell rant?

Still working on day two

I am determined to spend at least ten minutes a day on this, as I know the rest of you are. I am experimenting with this new form of writing, not sure how it will fit into the way I've been doing things. In the interest of openness to new literacies, and in a quest to find a way to balance the content of this class, the readings, discussions, etc with the writing portion of this class (on campus it's easy to get both) I committed to spending a semester blogging and I will see how this works for my students.
Working on my courses today, I had in the back of my mind the whole time-"What I am I going to write about?"  What do I write about when I know that mainly my college students will be the audience? (Any other member of the audience arrived here completely at random). Knowing that my students will be reading this and that I am solely in the role of professor will most certainly (we can only hope) narrow my range of topics and affect the way I address things, the language I use, and maybe for a while how stupid I am willing to look. I have never written like this on a daily basis as a professor. For years I have kept notebooks, and often I share the contents with my students. But the notebook is not in itself a platform that is solely Dr. Tower's. So is writing a way to help you figure out who you are, even when you are not being every part of yourself? Hmmm.... I always learn new things about writing as I teach this class, and this experience will likely give us some new perspective on audience, in the least.
This will be interesting, because I am hoping not to post lectures, we have the class for those things, the course platform I mean. I am looking to participate in this experience with my class. Most of us have not done this before, and I don't think any of us have done this for a class before.
So I wonder what topics I will choose, what kind of writing I will do. I think that will depend upon our responses to each other-we will then through this learn about the role of response in the teaching of writing...

Welcome to the blog 305 students!

Hello to everyone-I have been working on things in the course, the first week is the toughest! We will soon get into a routine with things, and part of that routine will be your daily writing. I know that you are all busy, so I will expect a minimum of 5 days a week on your blog. What should you write about? That is up to you. It is important for you to pursue topics that interest you. You may choose to write all semester on a particular topic and explore it in detail, perhaps through various genre's or by looking closely at small pieces of a large topic. The important thing is that you develop the habits of a writer so that you can teach writing. You will begin to understand and appreciate what your students are going through because you will be experiencing the same things. It is very important that writers share their work and get feedback from others. That is why I put you into groups. You will visit your group members blogs and comment on their writing-always positively-and offer questions, ask for clarification and maybe get some inspiration yourself. Since we are an online group and can't share writing in class, I thought I'd try this blogging thing out this semester so that you can share writing with others in your group.
These blogs are open to the public by default, that means if you set one up all of your group members will be able to access it. You must send them your blog's address also-and please send yours to me. Even if you have sent it please do so again so I know I will have everyone's, so that I may visit your work and be sure that people are responding to their group member's work.
Looking forward to sharing this experience with you all-hope it works!
Holly