For the record, and for all of you that thought I was exaggerating about the squirrels, I wasn't. I am absolutely certain of the presence of the squirrel mafia, a vast and evil underground of vermin who are hiding in plain sight, ready to take over the world.
They are wearing us down slowly, being cute in parks, pretending to be skittish as we lure them to grab nuts from our hands. We nod our heads in subtle irritation as they invade our birdfeders. Many of us have even coated pine cones in peanut butter for them or invested our hard earned ducats in squirrel feeding devices. How foolish we humans are.
For the emperor has no clothes. He doesn't need your silly nut, doesn't rely on your inspid bird feeders because he can enter your home at will. He's got you where he wants you-right in the palm of his feces crusted paw and he's posing to take over.
Think of some of the most famous criminals, the ones that come to mind. Charles Manson was in fact appealing to many and had his followers. David Koresh was seen as a prophet by many. Even Hitler himself had a multitude of faithful admirers. Sarah Palin got a reality show for God's sake, costarring for one ill fated episode with 8 very cute, precocious, well known little cuties. Ask yourself, did these people present themselves in their true light in order to meet their ends? Would any of you out there even consider feeding a rat? Would you look on in interest or scream with disgust and terror as it climbed up to your bird feeder?
Take that same rat, give it enough conspiratorial capacity to live in the trees instead of the sewer, to hop instead of scurry, and cover that repulsive tail with some appealing fuzz. What do you have then?
I'm just sayin'.