Accidental death or suicide?

I read Leah's post. Carnage.
I got off the phone with a friend who's brother in law is dying.  I mean body is shutting down and the ugly things are happening and it could be any minute kind of dying.
Came home and had one of those relationship talks with the old man. I feel like there's a corpse in that room also, but no one can pull the blanket all the way up yet.
What this cosmic trio adds up to, I can not say, but I feel like getting on my bike to ride up to Gold's is a bad decision.
I don't want to be a fish squished into a carpet, I don't want to sink away into my own physicality, I don't want this soulless zombie state of affairs to be happening, but this is what is around me, all these things are in my brain. The sum of my experience at the moment.
But it's Tuesday. Tuesday is the day I acknowledge all the lies we tell ourselves and others just to get through life. Those small ones that get us out the door and on our way, things like these pants aren't really too tight they just shrunk in the wash, how are you I am fine how are you, I just put the check in the mail today, he'll definitely call before 8, I'm sure my ATM card is in the pocket of my backpack, there's no way a meteor is going to hit my house, I love that haircut, those kinds of things. The lies we tell ourselves so we don't have to deal with all those little things that can chip away at us on a day to day basis.
I just think it's a lovely clause in the social contract.
So what's my theme people? Does there always have to be one? Is life a story in which you are the main character, or is life a story that's not necessarily about you?
Perhaps I need to go pluck a leaf off of something to see if it will grow.